Journals7
Newest
Heart
1 min read
To my heart
You are gentle
Desperately so
Forgetfully slow
you rallied hope and have become unconquerable
you are careening before redemption
suspended before bitterness
just beyond ruin
battered and bruised
in protest
Join the community to add your comment. Already a deviant? Log In
Hard boiled, soft landing.
6 min read
These things are never easy.
It's not about seeing or meeting you. It's not about forgiveness or blaming.
It's about understanding.
Words have never come easy for me, they rattle in my head, my tongue follows until it ties my mouth shut. I overthink.
Maybe that's why I'm more comfortable on this page than in the moment.
This letter, in between these lines I can make my thoughts appear linear. Here my thoughts are presentable. Here there is no fear.
So often I start speaking from the middle of a conversation that I've internalized.
That I make it impossible for others to follow, much less know where I'm coming from.
I don't like fights, I don't believe in winning and I don't even want resolution, I want understanding of our reasons. So much so that sometimes I forget to just say sorry when I'm wrong.
I'm sorry.
That should come first before the explaining.
I want you to know I never meant to put you through any of this. There is no excuse for what I've done, I don't believe in forgiveness. It isn't going to undo what I did. I just want you to understand.
I acted the way I did because
I was scared.
Your mom saw that on my face even when I didn't.
I involved your parents. Kevin and Natalie.
I was so focused on confronting you, I didn't care how I did it.
There was no reason to involve them.
I acted like a child and a stalker.
I'm sorry.
There was little control left in me. I had created a bad environment, I had quit a few jobs and placed my hopes on the army and when that fell through I had nothing. Of my own.
I had come full circle to a security job I had quit.
For school. And cancelled for the army.
I never told you, but this hurt me, it hurt more than I could ever say, or admit to myself.
It felt like I had lost my purpose and my own personal respect.
I was embarrassed and ashamed of myself.
I was broke, poor. My credit card was nearly maxed. I couldn't take you where I wanted to take you. So much of my sense of self in a relationship was tied to that. To support you, because I wanted to and because I was capable. Not because you needed it. It was the only consistent way I trusted I could show you my love.
I am embarrassed and ashamed of myself. I was moving in reverse.
I felt like I was losing control of my life.
Everything was hard for me, and I wanted to share, but at that moment in time, holding back and being strong and silent was the only kind of strength I'd ever known.
But it's not strength, I was afraid, of you seeing how fragile I am.
I was running from myself.
I was isolating myself in my problems.
When I cried on your chest, I had finally cracked under my own pressure.
It broke my pride.
And I glued the broken pieces with you.
I had made it too hard to be myself, so I was who I thought you wanted me to be, I was anyone that would help me escape the hurt of being myself.
I was running scared and I didn't know.
The more I lost myself, the more boundaries I put up for myself around you. The more lost I became the more defined I became in things I would chose not to be.
Around you.
I didn't know I was doing it much less why at the time.
I compromised myself.
When I couldn't be myself around you, I had already lost myself. I didn't want to strain the relationship, with my overwhelming problems that just seemed to stack, endlessly.
I had become so dependent on where we stood. I didn't know what was left of me.
I was very scared of losing you, I became a million different people, trying to avoid it.
Isn't that ridiculously sad and funny.
By compromising without understanding, I made a joke of my life.
I pulled away from you.
And wondered where you had gone.
I was scared.
I perceived myself alone.
The only control I found, was in what I felt for you. In that moment in time, that was the only constant in my life I could see.
March, my fear had become bigger than my love.
Maybe that's why I pushed you away, it was definitely why I escaped into my games.
Maybe you understood,
You shouldn't have been around me, I shouldn't have been near anyone.
I was lost, and I felt stuck.
Between me and my problems.
My feelings for you were my only strength. In that moment in time, I used it to define myself.
But I was lost and suffering.
Lonely.
Because of the walls I had built from my fear, I had inadvertently isolated myself from you.
When you began avoiding me, it felt like the final string keeping me sewn together had been pulled. But how could you have pulled it, you weren't even aware.
I pulled it.
In that moment in time, it felt like I needed you so I could live.
I panicked.
I invaded your space.
I'll never feel the depth or know the breadth of your thoughts on what it meant to you.
When it was over, when I was rightfully alone, I found strength in myself. In confusion, I found a reason for me.
Maybe if I would have been able to maintain a healthy line of communication with you...
Don't get upset about me owning my blame from the disaster of our relationship.
We both were going through our own experiences without each other at that time.
My responsibility, no one can take away what I've earned.
I can't believe I had forgotten that lesson I had already earned.
I can't believe I made excuses for the way I acted..
These errors in judgement, can't be erased. I know them, and I've accepted them.
I just didn't know how to express them.
I'll leave them, where I made them.
They stay in the past, as a reminder of what will never change. Of what I will not be.
Of what I have earned, I am so happy to have spent what little time I could with you.
We tried our best.
That's why there is only peace and a smile when these memories take me by surprise.
I hope you remember me as an airhead, who is slow on the uptake.
It's not about seeing or meeting you. It's not about forgiveness or blaming.
It's about understanding.
Words have never come easy for me, they rattle in my head, my tongue follows until it ties my mouth shut. I overthink.
Maybe that's why I'm more comfortable on this page than in the moment.
This letter, in between these lines I can make my thoughts appear linear. Here my thoughts are presentable. Here there is no fear.
So often I start speaking from the middle of a conversation that I've internalized.
That I make it impossible for others to follow, much less know where I'm coming from.
I don't like fights, I don't believe in winning and I don't even want resolution, I want understanding of our reasons. So much so that sometimes I forget to just say sorry when I'm wrong.
I'm sorry.
That should come first before the explaining.
I want you to know I never meant to put you through any of this. There is no excuse for what I've done, I don't believe in forgiveness. It isn't going to undo what I did. I just want you to understand.
I acted the way I did because
I was scared.
Your mom saw that on my face even when I didn't.
I involved your parents. Kevin and Natalie.
I was so focused on confronting you, I didn't care how I did it.
There was no reason to involve them.
I acted like a child and a stalker.
I'm sorry.
There was little control left in me. I had created a bad environment, I had quit a few jobs and placed my hopes on the army and when that fell through I had nothing. Of my own.
I had come full circle to a security job I had quit.
For school. And cancelled for the army.
I never told you, but this hurt me, it hurt more than I could ever say, or admit to myself.
It felt like I had lost my purpose and my own personal respect.
I was embarrassed and ashamed of myself.
I was broke, poor. My credit card was nearly maxed. I couldn't take you where I wanted to take you. So much of my sense of self in a relationship was tied to that. To support you, because I wanted to and because I was capable. Not because you needed it. It was the only consistent way I trusted I could show you my love.
I am embarrassed and ashamed of myself. I was moving in reverse.
I felt like I was losing control of my life.
Everything was hard for me, and I wanted to share, but at that moment in time, holding back and being strong and silent was the only kind of strength I'd ever known.
But it's not strength, I was afraid, of you seeing how fragile I am.
I was running from myself.
I was isolating myself in my problems.
When I cried on your chest, I had finally cracked under my own pressure.
It broke my pride.
And I glued the broken pieces with you.
I had made it too hard to be myself, so I was who I thought you wanted me to be, I was anyone that would help me escape the hurt of being myself.
I was running scared and I didn't know.
The more I lost myself, the more boundaries I put up for myself around you. The more lost I became the more defined I became in things I would chose not to be.
Around you.
I didn't know I was doing it much less why at the time.
I compromised myself.
When I couldn't be myself around you, I had already lost myself. I didn't want to strain the relationship, with my overwhelming problems that just seemed to stack, endlessly.
I had become so dependent on where we stood. I didn't know what was left of me.
I was very scared of losing you, I became a million different people, trying to avoid it.
Isn't that ridiculously sad and funny.
By compromising without understanding, I made a joke of my life.
I pulled away from you.
And wondered where you had gone.
I was scared.
I perceived myself alone.
The only control I found, was in what I felt for you. In that moment in time, that was the only constant in my life I could see.
March, my fear had become bigger than my love.
Maybe that's why I pushed you away, it was definitely why I escaped into my games.
Maybe you understood,
You shouldn't have been around me, I shouldn't have been near anyone.
I was lost, and I felt stuck.
Between me and my problems.
My feelings for you were my only strength. In that moment in time, I used it to define myself.
But I was lost and suffering.
Lonely.
Because of the walls I had built from my fear, I had inadvertently isolated myself from you.
When you began avoiding me, it felt like the final string keeping me sewn together had been pulled. But how could you have pulled it, you weren't even aware.
I pulled it.
In that moment in time, it felt like I needed you so I could live.
I panicked.
I invaded your space.
I'll never feel the depth or know the breadth of your thoughts on what it meant to you.
When it was over, when I was rightfully alone, I found strength in myself. In confusion, I found a reason for me.
Maybe if I would have been able to maintain a healthy line of communication with you...
Don't get upset about me owning my blame from the disaster of our relationship.
We both were going through our own experiences without each other at that time.
My responsibility, no one can take away what I've earned.
I can't believe I had forgotten that lesson I had already earned.
I can't believe I made excuses for the way I acted..
These errors in judgement, can't be erased. I know them, and I've accepted them.
I just didn't know how to express them.
I'll leave them, where I made them.
They stay in the past, as a reminder of what will never change. Of what I will not be.
Of what I have earned, I am so happy to have spent what little time I could with you.
We tried our best.
That's why there is only peace and a smile when these memories take me by surprise.
I hope you remember me as an airhead, who is slow on the uptake.
Join the community to add your comment. Already a deviant? Log In
Cost
1 min read
Heartfelt heartbreak
Ending in different
Directions
Closing costs of love
Ending in different
Directions
Closing costs of love
Join the community to add your comment. Already a deviant? Log In
And I wouldn't
1 min read
Emotion, sadness can only be quantified by its creator. A vague notion of blame is on your lips, many names mean the same thing. A letter, pause, tone inflection can bear or strip heavy meaning. Careful what you say and the way you say or don't say it.
When hoping and praying how many differentiate salvation from liberation? What ailment crosses you into the boundary of skepticism and fanaticism? And where do you say you stay?
Does kindness depreciate the longer you think about it? For who did your thoughts just go to?
Which is worse thought or action?
My thought lies in my inaction and dies in instant action.
And somewhere my action became an after thought.
Endless emotion, sadness, stream of consciousness
True value can only be held by one.
When hoping and praying how many differentiate salvation from liberation? What ailment crosses you into the boundary of skepticism and fanaticism? And where do you say you stay?
Does kindness depreciate the longer you think about it? For who did your thoughts just go to?
Which is worse thought or action?
My thought lies in my inaction and dies in instant action.
And somewhere my action became an after thought.
Endless emotion, sadness, stream of consciousness
True value can only be held by one.
Join the community to add your comment. Already a deviant? Log In
I dunno
1 min read
Slack pants, smile
Slighty askew
The new you
Eyes
Tired
The new you
Already
worn
Rickety chair
Bent back
Weak knees
Tired expression
So quick to snap
Bent knee
Wicked humor
Outerwear
Outershell
Simple show
Made up maturity
Deep hurt
Shy worth
More work
Eat
Sleep
Pass
Away
From here
So weird word exercise to know what I'm feeling
Slighty askew
The new you
Eyes
Tired
The new you
Already
worn
Rickety chair
Bent back
Weak knees
Tired expression
So quick to snap
Bent knee
Wicked humor
Outerwear
Outershell
Simple show
Made up maturity
Deep hurt
Shy worth
More work
Eat
Sleep
Pass
Away
From here
So weird word exercise to know what I'm feeling
Join the community to add your comment. Already a deviant? Log In